


A Letter to Dad

by Monganu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 11:09:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5624740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monganu/pseuds/Monganu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's before the big battle and everyone is getting ready. John unable to suppress some feelings decides to write a letter to someone he once loved very much, his father.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Letter to Dad

I sat eyes closed, face towards the ceiling, humming a sweet tune I once knew by heart. Battle swung a fear full ax close to my face and I was afraid. I had already seen everyone die once I didn’t want to witness it again. I opened my eyes and stared at the paper in front of me. I had to write down my feelings because I just didn’t feel right talking to anyone here about them. Shit was everywhere and this point I had no idea who anyone was anymore. 

 

I grabbed the pen in my hand and let it fall upon the paper creating the words ‘Dear Dad’. I hadn’t written those in a while. Not since I started the game when I knew, he was alive. I would write letters to him but never sending them, they just made me feel better, helped relieve the thoughts of the world being in four thirteen year old’s hands. 

 

“Dear Dad…. How would you feel if you saw me now? It’s been a few years, I know, since last had a chance to talk to you. So much has changed in that span of time, not only with me but with my whole world. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore….” 

 

The words flowed smoothly and were easy to write, but not easy to comprehend. I hadn’t wrote any of these letters since I saw him there with Rose’s mom. I didn’t want to remember had a father at times because the thought stabbed me in too many open wounds. I would never get over the fact he was gone, even though death clung to the air around us always following us. No matter how much I tried to purify it, it never went away. I continued writing 

 

“…..How would you feel about what was going on? I saw Nana in a couple different ways. One of them is Jane, whose nana but I guess not nana. I don’t even know anything, anymore it’s just a big pile on confusion. A lot of times I think of before the game and I realize how much I never fully appreciate you. The only times I would hug you and say I love you were when I was younger. I regret it so much…..” 

 

Water splashed on to the fresh ink making some of it bleed. I had been crying a lot lately with images of my friends dying flashing in front of my eyes and the thoughts of our destroyed world and same with the trolls. But this was different than those. At the moment I felt like I had something lodge into my throat and the tears just kept coming. My hands were shaking but I had to keep writing, I had to get everything off my chest. 

 

“……So many people have died, dad. In another timeline that I was able to leave nearly everyone died. I saw the death of Rose myself and the grief in Roxy’s eyes was enough to make anyone feel wounded. When they were reunited it was the best feeling ever. But lately I don’t know anyone. Dave, Jade and Rose aren’t the same online friends from when I met them. We have all suffered so much, and it has changed us….” 

 

The crying was getting worse. I prayed no one saw me like this, they would all laugh. My whole body was shaking and I felt I needed some air. I got up and quickly fell over. I hear a knock at the door and I panicked. I quickly forced wind up against so the person could not get in. 

 

“John…Are you okay? It’s Roxy.” 

 

Oh no, I thought and began panicking. They must have heard me crying and they sent Roxy, who had been with me during the mass slaughter of our friends and loved ones. I mean she would understand but I wanted no one to see me like this, I was the strong one. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my voice. 

 

“I…I’m fah-fine” I said trying my best to not snort up the snot that was dangling from my nose or to stutter. 

 

“Okay, just making sure. We heard a bang and wanted to make sure you didn’t get stuck in your bed sheets and fall over again! Roxy Out!” 

 

I sat back down and took a deep sign and let the wind off the door. Should I continue to write, I asked myself, it’s hurting me yes but so is these emotions bottled up. I gulped and picked up the pen, which I remember, it was the one I had stolen from dad’s room. Holding back even more crying I went back to writing. 

 

“….I’ve seen or heard of good people becoming evil and evil people deciding to be good. Dad, I want to help everyone so badly but they are all so distant. This Rose, Dave and Jade aren’t the ones that I talked to for nights on end. These aren’t my friends that pranked each other. This isn’t my Dave who had rap battles with me at 1 am. The John he did them with is dead and the Dave I did them with is dead. This isn’t the Rose who had smart conversations with me about the world and darkness when I wasn’t feeling good or the Jade who always seemed to make my day. I never truly met these ones, and they all knew the now dead John….” 

 

I took a deep breath feeling so much better for finally writing it down, at least. No one knew how I felt about this. No one could know, I had no idea how to tell them. I know the dead you so much better than I know you and I preferred them better. Though I was ecstatic that I could see them again. I had to keep going though and finally just finish it. 

 

“…..I miss you and everyone a lot. I miss not having to grow up and be mature for a while. I wish I was 13 again with the only care I had was your cakes, which eating any cake now gives me this nostalgic feeling and I get sick. I miss my magic tricks and your pipe and I miss our house so much. I miss everything. I miss when my only problem was you even though I should have been loving you. Now I have to worry about keeping the people I love from dying again even if I don’t know them. I just want that dog to die. He took you from me, dad. I know Rose must feel the same. I wonder how she feels about seeing the teenage version of her mother. As I said everything is very confusing. I hope I figure it out soon…” 

 

With that I had to end it, with the simple saying that I never said. I could feel the tears welding up in my eyes and I felt like I couldn’t breathe again but I had to. 

 

“I love you, dad,” I wrote down and said quickly to the dark as more tears fell down my cheeks. I mustered the strength to smile and said “I hope to see you soon.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yay this is my first fanfiction to post on here. This is mostly a one shot thing though I might do some more one shots around this basis. Thank you for reading ^^


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